Flashes of Panic

I read this on a job seeker’s website a few weeks ago:

This is the point of divergence. All of these potential futures become distinct universes in the coming weeks.

Distinct universes, as in choosing one excludes the others. Not something I’m looking forward to, myself.

Right now I’m (supposed to be) writing a proposal for a term project for machine learning. I’m going forward with the marathon split analysis, having been given the thumbs up by all involved, including two people who’ve done a little research in a similar area and are now interested in seeing my results. I turned down a few interesting projects to do so, including one which felt a little less… frivolous?

I also now have two “if I get this grant, I’ll be looking for grad student RAs, so be thinking about it,” offers. The one from Professor β, of course, is contingent on my doing well in this class (I’m interested, more so than I am by my other class, but the papers we’re reading are distressingly bewildering.) The good news—I think—is that the chair pointed out, in a discussion of the Ph.D. qualifying exams (not for me this time,) that everyone should come into quals with at least two faculty members who are willing to do research with them. So even if I’m otherwise completely unprepared, I could check that one off. But what if I like both projects? Choosing one excludes the others.

And, of course, there’s that big “so what are you doing next year?” question. I’m still chewing on that one. It increasingly comes down to the question of whether I like research, or at least whether I’m good at it. I’m beginning to get a feel for how it might be fun, but then, being a musician was fun, too. I just wasn’t good enough to do it for a living.

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