Flashes of Panic

Since I started writing here, the site has been something of a notebook for me, parts log and mass e-mail and writing practice-space. I can claim, in a small way, to be a “professional writer,” because I get paid to write, even though it’s not my primary source of income. What I write here, in general, is not the sort of stuff I get paid for. And I’ve resisted the temptation to slap some AdSense ads on this page somewhere, because I’m personally a little annoyed at the pervasiveness of advertising and giving up one more ad-free zone doesn’t seem worth the small change I would probably collect.

But last week I had email from someone asking why I didn’t shop around certain posts here for publication, and I realized that the line between my writing for pay and writing for fun is not quite as bright and sharp as I thought it was.

I know there are some full-time writers who work in feature length most of the time, and keep weblogs because things cross their desks which aren’t big enough for full articles. Even columnists, I suspect, have paragraphs here and there to burn off. But these two posts were—almost unintentionally—pretty close to column length, which tends to be the scale I work in.

I also like to think of this space as practice; I think that writing here regularly, even if it’s not about running, even if it’s not good, keeps me considering the way sentences fit together, and keeps the rhythm of paragraphs and sentences and transitions sharp in my subconscious. This makes it easier for me to do work when I have it; I can’t write well if I’m thinking about writing well.

At some level it comes down to a bit of superstition. I don’t know why I should be able to sit down and write a competent magazine article any more than I understand why someone else couldn’t. I feel like I need to use it or lose it—keep writing stuff when it comes to mind, even if it means self-publishing an otherwise saleable article on the internet—because I’m afraid if I force it too much, I’ll lose it. And for all that it’s frequently hard work, every now and then it can be a whole lot of fun. So I suppose sometimes this site is a libation—a little work poured out on the ground in recognition of the work I have and hope to continue getting.

I was offered a pair of exciting assignments yesterday, but I haven’t confirmed them yet; I’ll post the details when I do.

Now Playing: Army from The Unauthorized Biography Of Reinhold Messner by Ben Folds Five