Flashes of Panic

They say one of the definitions of insanity is repeating the same process and expecting different results. Clearly I need to abandon the idea of doing my own taxes using software, and start paying a professional, because while the software is slightly cheaper, it tends to raise my blood pressure.

After last year’s mess with H&R Block’s TaxCut, I went back to Intuit’s TurboTax this year. The TurboTax name is applied to both an online service and a desktop program. I got a CD for the desktop program in the mail (unsolicited; Intuit is apparently the new AOL), and the process works like this: you install the software, plug in all your data, and then you buy a license before you can print or e-file. This is either brilliant (users’ data is already captive in the program, and they’ve invested several hours in Intuit’s software) or a really bad idea (when we call to “buy” the software, we’re already angry about our taxes.)

We’ll leave aside the mess which is my taxes (getting a significant chunk of income from an organization based in Monaco does not do wonders for your return) and get right to this “purchase” process.

There is no online option. You call a 1-800 number, beep through an automatic tree, state your name, key in your credit card number, and get a sixteen-character confirmation code. You’re also told to use the last four digits of your card number as a verification number, so presumably part of this confirmation code is a hash of the credit card number.

I had to re-play the confirmation number four times, and still was unsure about one character. (Was that a “B”, a “C”, or a “D”? Or an “E”? Or even a 3?) I figured the margin of options was small enough that I could brute-force it. Then I hit the next snag, which was this verification number.

Despite the instructions on the phone, the software says, “Enter 1234 for your verification code here.” Needless to say, this engenders some confusion.

So, after six or eight failed attempts to plug in this ridiculous code, I sent an email to Intuit’s customer support website, and was promised a response within 24 hours.

Well, I got a response within twelve hours, but apparently Intuit needs to outsource their customer service to a higher-quality firm, because the response not only fails to be helpful, it is so replete with non sequiturs and grammatical problems that it actually makes no sense. Don’t believe me? Here’s the full text, with only my identifying details redacted:

Thank you for contacting TurboTax Customer Service & Support.

I do understand that you were unable to successfully enter the provided confirmation code in the program.

Going back to your concern [name], It’s my pleasure to help you on this matter. Actually, you can still use your Turbotax Deluxe 2007 on your Mac Computer without putting some information or register from the CD. You can just pass that particular interview screen.

However, If you still want to register or put information, you can just Uninstall and Reinstall the program.

Take note: If you’re going to uninstall your Turbotax program on your computer, please save and back-up your tax data file.

Title: Back Up Your Return (Mac)
URL: http://turbotax.intuit.com/support/kb/printing-mailing-saving/saving-backing-up/3784.html

To better assist you, kindly dont hesitate call our GS ( Getting Started ) Department:1-888 777-3103 from 8 am to 5 pm Pacific Time, Monday through Friday and you will be answered by our helpful and friendly Technical Support Representative.

I am glad to have assisted you today. You may receive a survey from us through e-mail in approximately 24 hours asking you about my performance on today’s contact, as well as comments you may have in regards to the TurboTax product. So we can continue with our promise to provide our customers with the best support available, please take a few minutes to complete the survey.

Have a great day ahead

• Is it me, or is the second paragraph suggesting that I can simply bypass registration?

• Can someone explain to me how reinstalling the software is going to help when I apparently have either a broken confirmation code or broken confirmation-code-verifying code?

• Anyone who wishes to diagram the sentence beginning, “To better assist you…” is welcome to try. I think the results may be hallucinogenic.

• I must say I am eagerly looking forward to this “survey through email.” I will do more than take a few minutes to complete it; I will lovingly detail all the specific aspects on which Intuit has simply failed to provide either a product which works as designed, or any useful support for this product.

If I could be certain my credit card hasn’t been charged, I would re-start my return tonight with TaxCut. I’d also like to repeat my plea from last year: can’t someone please make tax preparation software that doesn’t suck?

Update: A phone call to the number above resolved the problem; despite the “Pacific Time” red herring, the call center reached is almost certainly not in Pacific Time. The system did not recognize the case number assigned in my email, and there was a great deal of confusion surrounding the last time I allowed myself to be stripped of $50 by these charlatans, which was when I did my 2005 taxes. However, I can print my returns now.

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